I turned 21 today. Everyone I possibly did wish me. There were people around me. They celebrated my birthday. One good thing was that not many random people turned. I missed my family. I have not seen my family for the last 4 years on my birthday. It is not easy. What did I do when I turned 21? I sat in the library for almost the entire day. Went to Surya with Sanjit, Surya and Lalu for dinner. I could not drink. I spent a sum total of 2 hours there. I wanted to give myself a birthday gift of sleeping. That did not happen.

I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart. I woke up cursing myself. I never wanted to turn 21. I ran to class and missed my attendance. Walked off from the class in pissed off state. I went to class for next hour but after that I refused to go to that wretched place.

The 'old' me. I have killed him.

Labels: Celebration, sorrow

A pale shadow of the past
Is all that is left
A hundred mistakes
and a long life of regret

It is not possible to weep anymore inside
But it is not his place to do it outside
Today is not his time
A million seconds to while

When will I see him again
Dancing in the rain
Laughing like a clown
On a merry go round
Singing in the shower
Till the milk turned sour
To be hugged by my mother
Knowing that somebody loves me forever

I want to go back my way
I know it will take the pain away
The destination is faraway
Will you please hold me tight so that I don't sway?

Labels: Life, Poem, sorrow

When I reached Ottawa it was mid-winter and everything was covered under a mantle of snow. Even parts of the swift-running Ottawa river were frozen hard, with people skating over it. By March the first signs of thaw began to appear. A three-feet wide swathe running from the Parliament House building to the main roads was ablaze with snow melted, tulips sprouted all over the garden. I had spent many weekends skiing at the Gatineau Hills and marvelling at the bare trees with cylindrical tubes of ice covering their branches, tinkling like chandeliers when gusts of wind blew over them. They were now covered with tiny leaf. At Vancouver it rained three days and three nights non-stop. On the fourth day I took a stroll in Stanley Park. The wet paths were strewn with snakes. I was at Victoria, where we went by boat the next day, that I saw nature at its gorgeous best. Empress Park alongside the hotel was ablaze with flowers. Peacocks and quails scampered along dew-washed emerald-green lawns glittering in the sunlight. I walked across the park to the edge of a cliff overlooking a deserted beach. The snow covered peaks of mountains on the mainland were reflected in the deep blue waters of the ocean. I stood transfixed by the scene around me. As if to complete the mystic experience, I saw a young couple come to the beach, look around to make sure there was no one watching and divest themselves of their clothes. They frolicked about on the sand, ran into the sea, found it too cold and came out to warm themselves in the sun. They embraced and started to make love. I watched them taking turns being on top, quicken their pace and collapse in a blissful heap. It was a perfect end to a perfect morning.

Reading these words brought a little sorrow back. Canada would have probably been what I had been looking for a long time. It is not escape that I was looking for. I love my life here. However, I feel a little constrained and wished to explore new avenues. I know one thing. If I had wished to go there, I will go. I have this image in my mind which will come true. That's how I work my life, I imagine things really hard and make them come true.

Labels: books, hope, imagine, sorrow