So here I am with my CGPA staring at me. I have been avoiding the calculation for a really long time and when I finally did; wham it hit me on the face. I was really upset for the first half of the day but in the evening I finally sat down and thought. I checked my armoury. Pulled out my latest tools and said, "This is it boy. This is your challenge." 

I am tired of complaining about it to others. I have never been a dependent guy. Always self motivated, I don't remember going to help to somebody in school. This was not arrogance. The reason I say it was not arrogance was that I was humbled by his presence. Back then, I had a ritual. I used to lie on my bed and then get up to drink a little water. Then I used to call out to him and discuss the day. He too shared his experiences. All this while my eyes were closed. It was a lot of fun and I really looked forward to that part of the day.  After a minute, I used to lie down and peacefully go to sleep. However, he left me in college. Rather, it was me who left him. Never did I speak a word when I was happy and experiencing new things. I called him once or twice I wanted something but I could only hear silence asserting its presence. Two and half years in college and I have been humbled. Today I am going to drink water again. I will call out to him. I know he is angry but I know him better than anybody. I will call out to him every night and talk. He will talk back one day. I know. I know for sure.  

When you are down there and if you think it is all right, then it is sheer arrogance. When you realize it is arrogance, you take this plunge in the absolutely abhorrent world of under confidence. As I told my once-very-good-friend, day before yesterday, that confidence based on arrogance is like a glass palace. I broke my glass palace last year. My pride and my confidence was broken down into a million pieces. It took me a long time to realize it. My performance in my personal and professional life convinced me that I was not the same person I was before my glass palace broke. In one way, it was good that I had the chance to build myself a house with a stronger foundation and walls. The flip side was that I am going to suffer continuously due to lack of confidence. I was offered help. I gladly took it. This person became a part of my foundation and thus I finally became dependent on someone. This person was the same person I had hurt. 

However, this had an effect I did not anticipate. The person also had a will of its own. The person was not living her life for the sole of supporting me. She had her own dreams and values. Most of these values I disagreed with. But I did share the dreams. Since this was the person I had hurt, it was an extremely risk-prone decision to take help. My past could haunt me again. But as they all say love is blind. I did not think twice before accepting help. I had starting trusting the person with my life.

Very slowly, I started the  reconstruction. There were few times I fell because of rain and thunder. However, the person kept telling me to move on. I was feeling good. I was changing. But there were times when the person did not like the way I was going about my work. The person started telling me the right way to do it. I disagreed. By foundation was weakening. I was weakening. 

I had build myself a very small house in this time. I wanted to build a castle over time. But my foundation is getting weak and I am on the verge of breaking down. Some days I feel I am already down flat on the ground. My parents who were looking forward to my building this house saw that I was falling down. They offered their help. I refused and still went to my old trusted person. This time there was a new pact. 

Today, my house has collapsed again. I was brought back to the same old past that I had tried to forget. I failed. At this junction, I am left with nothing but myself. I am apologising to my parents for not accepting their help. 

I wonder if I have the courage or the trust to go on. 

 

Who am I to disagree

It is ringing in my head. It is ringing in my head beautifully. I can hear it so well. I remember the time when George, Sanjit, Surya and I were on the terrace and we sang this marvellous song. Today I sang it. Alone. 

I could not celebrate Holi. I wanted to celebrate Holi. I really did. I love it more than Diwali. For me, it is the time of joy. But I could not. I was in the train. I missed being home. 

P.S. Being alone does not mean being sad.