I truly believe they are parallel. Everytime I do something which I can link to my sin, I punish myself. However, those punishments are not enough. It looks like they will never be enough. I found my closure. But I am still waiting. I am still waiting for it to completely unite itself with its counterpart. Thus, I feel numb. I feel dead.

People make assumptions based on their past experiences. It might not be the optimal decision but it is justified. It sometimes hurts but it is acceptable. However, it becomes a issue when people close to you make assumptions and don't give you credit. It hurts when they easily jump to conclusions without giving due credence. It is like you never made those efforts. And it is true that they are the only ones who know that you can make exceptions and you do make them. Well, then I don't think it is wrong to feel annoyed when they blame you for the lack of effort. Slowly over a period of time you would even stop making these efforts. You loose the desire. And then again you grow numb. Dead.

Labels: Numb

Our serendipitist does not remember lots of things. Three days of extreme debauchery(minus sex) alcohol, weed, gambling, music, party, late night excursions, drunk driving. Serendipitist discovered lots of things and enjoyed them to their fullest extent. Now I am ready to let it all go. It was beautiful for a while but I don't like the after taste. The memory gaps.

This was the best ever Strawberry Fields. There was brilliant music and there was good crowd. I thanked my friend later at night for putting up a great show (which had its consequences since he has just started his Human Rights Project). I met a Sharma who was very drunk and we hit off really quick(with a little help from the Old Monk ). I tried teaching him the harmonica. We looked around for a fallen key on the pathway in absolutely inebriated state(which I found later to be on my desk). We celebrated his birthday. A first year girl was ragged. And yes the highlight we beat up AK who was taking care of both of us. I think I even hugged Vishakh and Vatsa!

So as I mentioned before serendipitist discovered a lot of things. He enjoyed them and now he is ready to move on. Voila!

Labels: music, old monk

So here I am, feeling a little fucked in the head. Somehow things always fall on their head. I am all confused. I am all worried. I am just too stupid.

We all have plans. Well at least, I do. At the same time, there are loads of things happening in life. Well at least in my life, they are. So now my question is whether or not I can put a comma in my plans? If I can, then how long can the comma be? Alternatively can I change my plans in the middle of the journey?

Well it is all fucked up. I have become someone I thought I would never. But I had wanted this also in some way. It is not that I did not know what I was doing.

Labels: Fucked, QnA

There is this invisible line. It is not only invisible, but is relational. When is a wrong committed then? Whose line should be violated for the offended to person claim a legitimate right to be offended?

I am following a golden rule these days : Don't take your family seriously. :) It is a cool rule. It makes sense and makes life easier and happier.

Labels: QnA

I was talking to Sam in the 11 'o' clock break and had the sudden urge to take his case.

Me- Do you know what screwing means ?
Sam- Of course I know what it means!
Me- Tell me what it means.
Sam- Stop bugging me, dude.
Me- I will enlighten you. If a girl rotates 360 degrees when she is riding you, it is called screwing.
Sam- Shut the fuck up!! That's not what it means.
Me- Of course it does.
Sam- Dude stop being gross. It is not possible. It is not as if the whole thing is a machine.
(Banavar joins us)
Banavar- It is like a machine only. That's where the word comes from. *Shows how a nut a is screwed*. That is the true meaning of screwing. You should posses a least this much general knowledge re. Dumb Fuck
Sam- But how is it possible? Wont something get stuck?
(Guhan and Arjun join in o have fun)
Arjun- There is no valve inside dumbo.
Guhan- If you are so unsure, go see this porn clip on your very own computer called "Nalini and Sangeeta"!
Sam- *wide expression* Fuck dude, I never knew this.
Me- You are an idiot, dude*high five behind his back*
Banavar- Grow up jackass. *returns high five*
*BELL RINGS*

Labels: Conversations, Mean

Today was bad. I wonder if is she has finally come today. It has been too long. I have missed her. Not in the living room. Must be in the kitchen. No. I think I will have to order again. I can't hear the shower. It was a bad day today. The bed cries to me every night. Or do I cry on it every night? I think I will sleep on the couch today. The library seems deserted. There is dust on those white covers. Do you remember how she is used to climb till the top shelf just to get rid that little speck of dust? I can't do half as good job as her. Her plants are dying. They don't listen to me. It has been too long. Where is she?

Labels: SHE

I breathed a sigh of relief when I got the internship confirmation letter from at least one firm. I am strange. All this while I really wanted a corporate internship and when I have one, I think it is not a good enough internship. But I am also aware of the fact that it is up to me to make this internship worthwhile or otherwise. *screams in anger* This pessimistic attitude is getting on my nerves now. I desperately want to get rid of.

Now I have already started to think of my next internship. I also have to do few pending assignments this trimester. I don't know what prompted me to feel happy and a little contended after my Malaysia trip. I should not have been contended with so much work ahead of me. I say that because when I get contended I get lazy. So I try not to be contended. And then I become unhappy.I hate this.

There is only one thing for sure in my life : I will be miserable forever *Sadness*.

Labels: Internship, Serendipity

I was visibly glum and tired in the hot afternoon at the Aroha station in North Malaysia. Tired because it had been a long day already and Glum because I had only 4 RM in my pocket. I was hungry but I could not afford anything (I hate a hungry stomach). It was only 4pm. There was still half an hour for the train for Kuala Lumpur to arrive. I had nothing to do except reflect on my bad financial decisions in the last week.

Beer in Lekha Lekha : 20 RM ( A bottle of Chivas Regal costed only 40RM in Langkawi Duty Free *Sadness*)
Upper Birth in Train : 7 RM extra
Wrong Package offer in Genting Highland : 15RM
Taxi instead of metro from Petaling : 3 RM
(While the first two can be attributed to recklessness, the last two were purely informational errors.)

Instinctively, I took my wallet out and stared at it as if I was angry. I saw a little greenery in the innermost pocket in my wallet. Curious I looked through it. Voila! Out came a crinkled 1 US Dollar. It was followed by 2 others. Well I almost shrieked! It was unbelievable. I ran and showed it to my teammates who were excited as well. I muttered a thanks to God. What had happened was that I had brought exactly 133 USD to Malaysia. I did not have the heart to convert all my money and conveniently put 3 USD in my wallet. What a smart decision in hindsight. *Pats on back*. Well the story does not end here. To try my luck once more, I jumped in the inner depths of my wallet. And Ladies and Gentlemen there was another light at the end of the tunnel. Out came our very own Rs 100. I don't even remember when I had stored that money. And like this our little tourist was 16 RM rich and was able to buy dark chocolates.

Labels: Malaysia, Memoirs, Serendipity

Was going through the birthday photographs. However pissed I may be, I just have to feel good after remembering good old times. Ah! It was a beautiful time when she was here. You know we had lots of fun. Like loads.

I refuse to do anything out of sheer obligation. I will do it only out of love. There are days when I am unusually angry. I don't like those days because they hurt. Mentally and physically.

When I make promises to myself, I don't break them for anybody. They are important to my existence. I wish people would let me live like that. I am not asking for acceptance. I just wish to be myself.

Strangely, I am happy in my misery. I am comfortable in my pain. If my being comfortable give others sadness, then should I behave differently?

I don't have the capacity to hate or love somebody. Because sadly I gave that all to myself. Everything.

Sometimes I wonder how I would die? I refuse to die a natural death. If somebody has to kill me, then it should be the one who has given me life or who I have dedicated my life to. As for the last option, I am comfortable in killing myself. Very comfortable.

My heartbeat increased to a phenomenal rate and my head started spinning. Seeing that name on the blog reminded me why I am so scared of blogging. Then again I saw the name of my old blog where I did not want it. I felt smashing the computer in front of me. Nobody should take your fears casually. None should be allowed to joke about them. My strength failed me and I fell.

I am afraid I will take steps that I will regret.

Labels: Anger

I pray tonight shall not be a reminder of the hard forgotten past.

And I am back on blogger. It is not exactly my most preferable forum. I just can't seem to like any of the templates. I liked my template on wordpress but wordpress is just too annoying. It first lost my post; then there are issues relating to commenting; its 1000 widgets and on and on. Just too complex for a new blogger. Actually, it reminded me of the whole facebook v. orkut deal. Nobody was able to understand facebook for a good period of time but they wanted to leave orkut (privacy issues plus lack of after product innnovation). Google makes things too simple. It is an extremely good business policy to keep a new idea as simple as possible. However, when consumers start getting a hang of it, they want and expect more. It is simple evolution. Google never did that. A big chunk of the Indian internet population finally migrated from Orkut to Facebook.

Still I love Google. I think it is the best thing that has ever happened to mankind. I once won a Group Discussion on the topic "Google is God". That was fun. When I went back to school my headmistress reminded me of that GD (I thought she was referring to my scandalous GD on AIIDS).

Oh by the way I am fan of Apple now. She will be happy to hear that. :)

This is by far the most pissing off thing ever. My post was lost by wordpress for some obscure reason. I hate this!! I think I ll go back to blogger.

If you don't blog when you want to, you can never.